This Weak

I was weak
I let them win
They never let me
have my way

so i never had my way
because i learned
to do it their way
and that i was wrong
and bad
and will suffer the consequence.

They never consider
the consequence of their actions
or their words

Oh what a different world it would have been
If what I felt mattered.

But some people don't care about your feelings
They don't see past themselves
and only want you to fit into
make their lives easier

so they can go on and on,
on and on,
on and on,
unhappy parents

split up,
should have split up when i was 3.

Well i'm not going to sentence myself to misery.
I've lived less than I've ever wanted to
It's never been how I want.
That's time to change.

Modern Meanderings of a Mystic

Well, it seems odd.


A moment of clarity.


Did I just dodge irrelevant drains to my energy?

I think I did.

People...

Oh I like weeding out people.  But, I do not like being attached to people who aren't attached to me, and vice versa. So Clear The Air. Clear the air, attachments are severed. I say it and so it shall be. And so it is!



I want what is highest for me.  It seems this arrangement, this marriage, isn't working so well.  I want therapy, and I wish we could see one.  I wish I could see one independently, and he as well, as well.
(yes i meant to say it twice)

So I am crazy, I talk to myself essentially, but it is to be sane in real life.  I mean, some writers really take their stuff seriously, even tho its all made up, i dont get it. but i love Lord of the Rings! the movie. not the book. i have not the patience for that. my parents had no patience for me. i was raised on the computer and by school and soccer practice, essentially, they just fed me. and provided home and nice bathroom and a bed and all those amenities.

They seem to think they did so much for me.  It's atrocious to think really, and its at the forefront of my mind.  How could they think they were possibly THERE? i mean it dwindled off over the years gradually. but way too soon. and there was never interaction or talks like there should be.  I wouldnt complain so much, i realize, if it werent for they saying things, cocky things or head up the ass things. it makes me mad, it really does, because years ago my dad well anyway, who cares, right?

No one cares, no one cares to look at themself unless they want to.
I seem to be the only one in my life who does........


Does it happen like that? You only get one person per circle of people, who Really cares, at one time that is, because then we reach our Fuck it stage right? Just do whatever to get by and survive with sanity retaining your structure, your own self. well this is bad if other people are involved and you treat them carelessly. i see alcohol to be a form of careless-giving. carelessness giving substance. that doesnt sound right or make sense really but oh well.

Zen Proverb

Let Go or Be Dragged

Well.


I certainly feel dragged a lot.  I'd certainly love a life coach of some sort.
Maybe just peace of mind.  I've got a husband and one and a half year old,
and 2 cats one of which is a kitten growing into a cat who we thought was a boy and named Frederick. Well, Frederika is now.  Frida, maybe.

D

D is for...


Dissociation.

Drugs.

Depression.

Damning- (behavior) -insert Bjork human behavior-


You can take me out of Detroit but you can't take the Detroit out of me.  I knew that if I stayed there too long, it would happen.


It did.

I'm magnetized to that place, and the people who love.  However, it is a hard place.

I am looking for life companions, as I am not finding riches in the money that doesnt add up
it doesnt add up to enough

and God Bless his grandmother,
my baby's great grand Ma

Great Grand Ma

..................
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
....................

It all happened one day when Kady called me to....... well she fancied photography that day, and i felt myself inside i was whisked away for a moment, a place of sunshine, and i abandoned what i actually turned to go do,butas i progressed, i realized that was the wrong choice.  i turned around,but i think i already let her down, and the sun went down too, and i didn't get back in town in time,



before it changed.

Ponderings

The energy of now since I turned 26, 2+6 = 8. is alike the energy, or at least i am remembering alot from that time, of 17- 1+7= 8.  I don't remember 8. age 8. ill have to ask my mom what i did that year. i wonder if she remembers.

Becoming less attached now, to.......... thinking its all up to me, .....

Recognizing the energy

Cycles

Come through

Yes they do.

Through and through.

What we gonna do?

Well today is a mental clarity in communication day.  I wonder what I can do.. Call Megan and Patrice Maybe.  Write on something......................

I am preoccupied, or occupied, with thinking about the environment today and America at large.  Power companies, Companies, Trash, Trucks, Grocery Stores, production of Olive Oil, all the crappy food, and the like.  How can we transition? as a nation- All of us?  The stupid, the young, the old, everybody- the corporate- the lazy, the non judgemental as well as the judgemental stuck in their own attitudes.................... that are not for the benefit of anybody, even themselves....... stuck in a rut some people are, for lack of mind and experience expansion, settle into a little comfy nest of this is my life, hum hum hum iy drum. humidy drum drum drum drum drum.

.............  We are running out of food slowly, Although the apple juice and any milk substitute products are gone, have been used up.  we cant grocery shop for fresh food or any of this so we will................... life will come! life will come to meet us halfway. i wonder what we will come to.  Looks like dry pasta and rice and beans.......... and spices........ make do with nothing fresh.  We will see.  this will amp it up.  I hope Josh gets this bartending gig in Fishermans Wharf. :)

After the Storm.... there is much to do

I feel the pressure and I know what it's about.  i need to ascend, it's the only way to teach What needs To Be Taught.

I am happy I have a path,

and Anxious.  I do not know what it will be. It's wonderful,

but in the wake of Kyle dying, I am left bittersweet.
-------------------------------------

i come to facebook, and i say this, I am left bittersweet. I just have to keep communicating, and writing, and it's hard to tell if I am on the right track or if I am dispersing my energy too much but you know what it doesnt matter because I am not in public school anymore! Into a more evolved approach to living, come on and OH come oN that was the worst thing to ever happen.  No, not really, but I had a lack of love and split household that is two parents that don't know what they are doing- Not in the sense that they are going blindly through life, they are blind to what they cause as far as The damage form lack of love, and the presence of stress constantly, and a sensitive soul always being told what to do, always hurried along, always pointed in a direction,
Well enough!  Finally I uncovered myself with the help of psychoactive plants, that will teach you about what you are! And then, you will not be able to live in the drab world anymore.

You will get a glimpse of reality, as it is, not as they would have you believe!  They.... they... who is they?  They is those who want to control the world, because they think that's all there is.  Material goods and the bounty of them all for oneself to live comfortably and never worry- right? Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These fat fucks are miserable! The bounty of McDonalds MmmmMMm! and the rich people are bitter and hoarders of their money, always wanting more, always needing more, never realizing what they are missing is the lack of nourishment, love and cosmic energy, and understanding- of the planet and how it functions with natural laws, but also of human psychology, and all these things are necessary to truly understand.  You need to feel - that there is something more- and go for it.

I did.  But it did not preclude being accused of so many things.  It did not preclude being pushed, in directions I did not want to go, and the Pusher keeps on pushing, when she doesn't realize she fucking has to WAKE UP.

And you can't tell it to them, they will look at you and it is freaky kinda in a way, a marvel, really, to see them look at you, they came up to me, my parents did, when i was in a ball crying, on my bed, it was marvelous to have them in the same room and it made me stop. i had brought them together. it was amazing.  it was after i had been awakened to feelings i never had before, with Desmond in his basement room's shower bathroom, i could not engage the animal, no, to say animal is not correct we need to say base lower strong pulsing energy with the higher mind.  And unfortunately he could not integrate it, i for a long time blamed myself for not being able to handle the energy, and go forward, it was so powerful, it could have destroyed me, i thought, it was so strong, and i was scared of the power. i realized i attached the power to him, to Desmond, i was scared he might not use it in the best way, so i receded, a meek creature, now awakened to something i had Never experienced before, walked out the door into the world, i wanted to collect myself.

Now i pause for a moment in the story of the self coming to being from the basic human i once was, which are majority of Americans. I want to say the public school system makes you do things in certain forms. this is contrary to many. it hurts us.  really, it's not a sissy thing.  it is a damage to our evolution.  Sure, maybe a lot of kids need that structure, to adhere them to the working class.  But not everybody is going to work in an office, doing humdrum droney tasks okay?  Is that what you want, first of all?  What a tragedy, to live your life as handed over to them! It is easy to do though, because so much is against you.  So do not fear- you will get out now that you know there is something else for you.  Now that you know You can! it is not based around what They created only, life, and the world, we can create our own, too, and so decrease dependency on them on person or one family at a time, and we will see it is much more relaxing to be, like this, and to be,................................

To be.


To be! i want you to simply be, and do nothing that you ought to.


Desmond once told me, as I was sitting on the floor like a kid to the tv he put on a magical movie we didn't quite end up watching............... i was focused on the energy i was able to control.  i was just a shell of a human before this.........................................

Awakening.

it was 1:23 and 3:21 and 1:11 AND 12:34 and 5:55 and 2:22 and 11:11. it is an awakening code! even though i went through it, years later i wrote it off a little bit...........it seemed life wasn't going to adhere to my newfound Seer. i call it that on my own terms, not whatever anyone in the past or elsewhere uses the term Seer, i mean it as one who see's, and not with his two eyes, it means someone who is paying attention.  Literally! Paying attention.  It's kind of like respect.

Respect for life.  Respect that there is a functioning underlying everything that we don't completely understand and for this I am humbler than those who think they know, for I wait and see.  And i see more the more I see, and I know more, for real, and this increases my power, because I know what they don't.  And it's not a triumph to know while they don't- the world will be a better place the more awaken, obviously! I am grateful to be included in this.  Really grateful.

And now I get to share it with you.  I'm not quite sure what to say or how to say it so I'm just going to say it.  That's precisely what fucked me up in the first place.  I didn't know how so I didn't.

oooooooooooooH Geeeeeeeez

luoise, or louise? i wonder. i think the first way makes sense to me more.

breath in,

breath out.


I'm deleting things I'm saying now. Fucking football.  Interesting tonight though eh?! Voodoo- God- Spiritual team players- power outage-outcome as predicted by that Tarot reader on the news? Awesome.

How bizarre ;P