I have no editor and when i used to try to be my own editor and go back on what i wrote to edit it to make more sense it ends up a mess!!! i realized many years later finished books are the result, most oftentimes, of a writer AND an editor. But that is the industry, and I don't read books.
I read life.
I am on a mission to bring clarity to a world bogged down but i have found my way out so i am free, so let me free others, so on and on until the whole system collapses from neglect.
I have reread my posts on Kyle and on Life and the World we live in today, and i may say OH MY are there things left out! in 3 places at least, i see, i left out a word or thought, because i had to complete, where i used to get lost in the details, i remember, the time, it was the age of kyle priebe. i have since gotten my life together, but in a time when i felt so alone and everyone was cold to me, albeit not to each other but i couldnt really receive love, because i didn't know how- broken family situation. Kyle had divorced family too. We never talked about it but it was a pain we shared. Desmond too. Others don't know.
Our parents dont know, what they've done to us. It's for us to persist because the world is constantly changing, I found forgiveness in only realizing Hey, if they could make it better they would, ... its taking what we learn, and unlearning it. Taking the world apart and letting it come back together. With all the pressure we cannot be who we are intended to be. And there is a lot of pressure, from all sides.
Anyway,
I have love and light,
I'm going to church anyway
just to see if its something that's going to uplift and inspire, and come together. so i can work out on my own version of church, and what to call it, and all that, i mean duh, its the Community House..........
i have big plans people.
but for now all i have is the resources i am given and this is what i have which is a macbook laptop on its way out with the K key missing..........................
I think we need to rejoice in creating, in what we could create, yes yes yes in this external world i think we must build it up in faith and love and honesty first............................ Intentions.................... u know........... but you have to be willing to go through the part that gets you there, it might be lands quite contrary................ i mean hey, look, we CAN CREATE. i've been wanting to have a reunion for a long time. You guys get to go to the funeral and console each other and laugh and cry............ and see whos left here, you know, US!................. but... i think i go on for much some time........ to tend to the masterpiece of living with love, with creating something in the external world as some structure that exists without the presence of me as a person, that people can go to, to do what i hold in the highest regard- Having fun. Laughing. Playing.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Wrapping it up in a neat little package of Meaning
in a time when i did not know the meaning of life, i listened to Pink Floyd. I resonated with it, i loved it, i realized from looking around and noticing Happy People enjoying life, and loving. Some were happy, some were comical...................., some were lovers- at that time, what i decided i needed was true love. I have since uncovered this, since, it was my personal mission. Maybe I am being called to write now, finally.
I listened to Pink Floyd when we got into psychedelics and got into life, no longer asleep i was, now, alive, for a year or two, i was not afraid, i could feel well in the company of others having a good time, instead of left out. Well, I was that, happy as could be and thinking there'd be more around the corner if i got to it, if i found it, the way i was supposed to take, and that is probably precisely what caused the next era of life, words of which Bleak and Left, and Bruised, come to mind. I was no longer part of the group. I had not mastered my work of love, I had only experienced it in a pure form, with children all around, and that's clearly what we were, even though it's called being a teenager, i think being a kid is just a fine way of putting it. It's like the metaphor the garden of eden, we had everything we could ever want................................. only this time, its society and the structures we currently have in place in this godforsaken world of bleak suburbia and corporations and regulations and labels when you're just trying to live, and get it all, the meaning of life and live and love and experiencing all these new things in life, and then, just when you start to get it WHAM. changeup. you can't keep going, exploring, figuring it out, you got to make a choice. How unwelcome that felt.
I don't know exactly what happened, i only know what happened with me, and i turned away because feelings caused another pain. It was confusing for me because I cared about not hurting people's feelings but I couldn't........ I didn't know, how to care for myself. Aren't we kind of invisible to ourselves, if we don't consciously stay here in the moment? Maybe we rush by a cat without noticing it, or hurt someone's feelings on accident, because we weren't present enough to see that they are really hurting, so then, if we are not present to that, how can we help?
If we are unavailable to life, something is lost.
I am seeing a moment, remembering, not quite where exactly we were in place, because actually i believe that is irrelevant to deja vue, it has nothing to do with WHERE YOU ARE location direction wise, but this takes place in my memory in the upstairs of Martha's old house, of which I fondly call the Community House. I vow to have a community house, I swear, If i can't make my own park for the public, at least I can make my house be that, what the Priebe's house was for me, it was a safe haven. It was fun, because of the boys, and there was love. There was jumping out the second story window of Kyle's room onto a mattress they hauled and shoved out the window, laughing, and carrying on like kids, giant infants with masterful control at creating fun.
Well, life doesn't let you have fun................... all the time.
Kyle Priebe can be immortalized as the God of Fun and Ridiculousness.
LETS NOT CONFUSE THAT WITH DRUG ADDICTION
Kyle will henceforth be the God of Fun and Ridiculousness. Call on him, and remember him, when life gets too dull, and burdens and obligations and what you thought you should do is bringing you misery and your life feels bleak, please remember Kyle, and be that, for us, for all of us, we need to remember and bring that into fruition, CREATE IT, maybe we were all slacking a little because we're like, oh Kyle's got that, we liked to watch you, be with you, you were fun. You made life alive.
Now i won't be speaking to the Kyle I didn't know, I am speaking back to 2003, 2004.
In retrospect, did Kyle need alone time at his house, to heal himself, but there was just constantly people over? Did I play a part, in some unexpressed love dynamic? I dont know if I mattered to him lie he mattered to me, that's the second one, after Desmond. These two people seriously affected my life, Desmond seriously, and Kyle inseriously, but it feels serious now. I only wish I could go to the funeral............ but............. it might be too much for me to take. I am fine over here by myself, in between fits of crying that are now thankfully no longer threatening to put me away in the looney bin for the violence that is coming out of me in despair.
If I was not in a loving relationship, where, I'll tell ya its not always loving, but if we Hold love as our ideal, and Know that's what we desire and want and need and that's that, made that conscious decision and drove it deep inside and Set on getting it and giving it even though it is dark and We must wait sometimes Far longer than we had hoped, and longer than we think we can bear, in a sober state, to feel, to breath, to be in it and through it and then onto the next. But if you interrupt the process with drugs, you are constantly interrupting it so it keeps coming back, resuming where you left off. You know? So, if you take drugs, like Kyle did, you are causing the pain to continue. And after you die, if you take your life in this way, You do not go on. You are not on the other side. I know you are not. I have felt others presence after death remain, all around and up there, but you did not go there, Kyle Priebe, you went away. And I am reminded for it, what you stood for, and I am no longer mad, or sad even, now just now in this moment I can SMILE, i am glad, i can hear the birds like I did before when we'd do psychedelic drugs and morning would come and we'd still be up.
Even if the whole church Jesus story.........
I didn't really go to church- EVER, i've only heard the jist of Jesus and all that, I've heard a lot, and especially in our society we say jesus a lot. I've noticed that as a social trend, among people that... might I say, knew Kyle Priebe, and, might I say, in jest. About jesus. But to me now, Kyle is our jesus, of this time. Jesus of the past is lost in another time and age that makes any meaning foggy and we scream SO WHAT!?!?
Isn't that what we need right now, in a society that is gone away? I mean we are beside ourselves sometimes, what are we going to do? Everything is so crazy! There's nowhere to go for me, is how I felt, and it plagued me with depression. Kyle was in Boston. I resolved to spend all my remaining money to go out and see him. Not for him, make no mistake, I wanted LIFE, I wanted fun, I wanted to feel okay......................................
Something stopped me, in any case, I'm much more cautious than a Kyle Priebe lad. That is why I seeked him out. I was lost, and so was he maybe. I am learning now through life, now that i really as questions and investigate through communication with other people..................... you learn that often when you are thinking of someone, they too are thinking of you. I was overcome with depression and inaction though, staying stuck, and i thought, i think, how lonely i would feel in the presence of people partying and feeling like life was okay, because they had a place to live, people to have fun with... a life.. a purpose, of some sort, and i'll just be a drag, that dead thing in the corner like oh why is she here? i was an empty shell so i stayed.................. in hell for awhile. a grey muddy hole that i just couldnt get out of. i had drugs................ i was prescribed this and that................................... i didnt take them. i searched more.
i spent far longer than i ever wanted to, ever, to be in that awful place. i learned about what life isn't, what is empty, and how you feel when you let things go that you love. You dont let people go when they are living, and when you lose a cat to the wilderness, Don't stop putting up signs because you'll regret it later and mourn and feel guilty.
So, I'd be in a coma in one way or another if i had heard the news the other day.......... maybe maybe not. i know much of pain though, and to anyone who might be feeling it please realize that all music....................... well. i discovered all music pointed to LOVE, love is the answer, because there were enough minute examples of such, and eventually, through books and observing and trying and all these things, i found it, because i also created it,
Let's not forget to love.
To Kyle Priebe, God of Fun and Ridiculousness
i dont know if that is cohesive enough as i feel it, but i could go on forever and ever. i am reminded of coming to on the couch with Kyle Minch, after tripping intensely we watched Dark Side of Oz, that is we put it together, and i tell ya it never worked again after that, i tried and tried with Lisa Lord as my witness, ANYWAY- on the couch, the movie ended, that we watched after the Pink Floyd Oz awesomeness that just stunned me. Kyle Priebe called us from his cell phone, saying they were on their way back from Taco Bell, and we were so CONFUSED for a second like WHAT! Why are you driving be careful! and then Kyle Priebe comes walking in........ with some Ridiculousness. just kidding we were upstairs the whole time, essentially. oh god. the stories that mean nothing except to those who are telling it..................
So If I am to go with the Jesus Template and say, he died for our sins,
i think our world is in serious disrepair. This soul was great,
and please hear me out,
for if you feel like OH PLEASE! REALLY NOW WITH THAT SHIT
no really, its true.
I'm sorry, I'm aquarius, I have a way zoomed out view,
I've been an outsider and I can see a lot that
maybe you cannot
because you have enjoyed yourself
for so long
I am an observer
and I tell you this
i have not been tainted with specifics or battered with doctrine,
none of that. i have only noticed that Jesus is a very prevelent word we throw around to make light of our situation, and the english language here is genius i might say, as Light means the light as in the Sun as in truth and acceptance and meaning and love, all that rolled into one, the very sun that gives life to everything that chirps and grows, i have reverence for it, the sun, even George Carlin worshipped the sun.
The sun is LIGHT
and LOVE
and if we can feel appreciation for the sun, maybe because we have been in the dark for so long, and maybe that is why now in this time so many are perishing from our West Bloomfield home, I URGE YOU IF YOU ARE SUFFERING TO SEEK OUT WARMTH IF YOU KNOW NOTHING TO TURN TO start there, and also, when you hug someone, try to shine- like the sun- from your HEART.
I hope you all find love and light, like i did.
Words are empty if you know not their continents. Contents.
I am taking this Kyle Priebe death as a rebirth for my own passion for life, which, i often lost along the way, and i must write, i must must must write, to keep going, because i know what non life is. i think............ LOVE BEFORE DRUGS. if you must medicate then by all means do so but first play with life a little bit, try to get what you need, from more natural sources. Because although everything in the world is technically natural, the more natural your remedies, the closer to the sun you are. ;]
That is to say, marijuana, i think he stopped smoking marijuana and went into that other shit man, and that'll keep ya stuck. REVERE the marijuana, love it, use it, DONT ABUSE IT, it is to ASSIST IN LIFE and in healing and in getting Unstuck so we can live. One or two hits will do, it is plenty!!!!
Let's create magic in our hearts and spirits, sing and dance again, a little more, a little more HUGS than drinks and drugs, thats all i want. we need to rely on each other, its the only way. give and take. who you give to may not always be the one who returns, the universe is in charge of that.
I listened to Pink Floyd when we got into psychedelics and got into life, no longer asleep i was, now, alive, for a year or two, i was not afraid, i could feel well in the company of others having a good time, instead of left out. Well, I was that, happy as could be and thinking there'd be more around the corner if i got to it, if i found it, the way i was supposed to take, and that is probably precisely what caused the next era of life, words of which Bleak and Left, and Bruised, come to mind. I was no longer part of the group. I had not mastered my work of love, I had only experienced it in a pure form, with children all around, and that's clearly what we were, even though it's called being a teenager, i think being a kid is just a fine way of putting it. It's like the metaphor the garden of eden, we had everything we could ever want................................. only this time, its society and the structures we currently have in place in this godforsaken world of bleak suburbia and corporations and regulations and labels when you're just trying to live, and get it all, the meaning of life and live and love and experiencing all these new things in life, and then, just when you start to get it WHAM. changeup. you can't keep going, exploring, figuring it out, you got to make a choice. How unwelcome that felt.
I don't know exactly what happened, i only know what happened with me, and i turned away because feelings caused another pain. It was confusing for me because I cared about not hurting people's feelings but I couldn't........ I didn't know, how to care for myself. Aren't we kind of invisible to ourselves, if we don't consciously stay here in the moment? Maybe we rush by a cat without noticing it, or hurt someone's feelings on accident, because we weren't present enough to see that they are really hurting, so then, if we are not present to that, how can we help?
If we are unavailable to life, something is lost.
I am seeing a moment, remembering, not quite where exactly we were in place, because actually i believe that is irrelevant to deja vue, it has nothing to do with WHERE YOU ARE location direction wise, but this takes place in my memory in the upstairs of Martha's old house, of which I fondly call the Community House. I vow to have a community house, I swear, If i can't make my own park for the public, at least I can make my house be that, what the Priebe's house was for me, it was a safe haven. It was fun, because of the boys, and there was love. There was jumping out the second story window of Kyle's room onto a mattress they hauled and shoved out the window, laughing, and carrying on like kids, giant infants with masterful control at creating fun.
Well, life doesn't let you have fun................... all the time.
Kyle Priebe can be immortalized as the God of Fun and Ridiculousness.
LETS NOT CONFUSE THAT WITH DRUG ADDICTION
Kyle will henceforth be the God of Fun and Ridiculousness. Call on him, and remember him, when life gets too dull, and burdens and obligations and what you thought you should do is bringing you misery and your life feels bleak, please remember Kyle, and be that, for us, for all of us, we need to remember and bring that into fruition, CREATE IT, maybe we were all slacking a little because we're like, oh Kyle's got that, we liked to watch you, be with you, you were fun. You made life alive.
Now i won't be speaking to the Kyle I didn't know, I am speaking back to 2003, 2004.
In retrospect, did Kyle need alone time at his house, to heal himself, but there was just constantly people over? Did I play a part, in some unexpressed love dynamic? I dont know if I mattered to him lie he mattered to me, that's the second one, after Desmond. These two people seriously affected my life, Desmond seriously, and Kyle inseriously, but it feels serious now. I only wish I could go to the funeral............ but............. it might be too much for me to take. I am fine over here by myself, in between fits of crying that are now thankfully no longer threatening to put me away in the looney bin for the violence that is coming out of me in despair.
If I was not in a loving relationship, where, I'll tell ya its not always loving, but if we Hold love as our ideal, and Know that's what we desire and want and need and that's that, made that conscious decision and drove it deep inside and Set on getting it and giving it even though it is dark and We must wait sometimes Far longer than we had hoped, and longer than we think we can bear, in a sober state, to feel, to breath, to be in it and through it and then onto the next. But if you interrupt the process with drugs, you are constantly interrupting it so it keeps coming back, resuming where you left off. You know? So, if you take drugs, like Kyle did, you are causing the pain to continue. And after you die, if you take your life in this way, You do not go on. You are not on the other side. I know you are not. I have felt others presence after death remain, all around and up there, but you did not go there, Kyle Priebe, you went away. And I am reminded for it, what you stood for, and I am no longer mad, or sad even, now just now in this moment I can SMILE, i am glad, i can hear the birds like I did before when we'd do psychedelic drugs and morning would come and we'd still be up.
Even if the whole church Jesus story.........
I didn't really go to church- EVER, i've only heard the jist of Jesus and all that, I've heard a lot, and especially in our society we say jesus a lot. I've noticed that as a social trend, among people that... might I say, knew Kyle Priebe, and, might I say, in jest. About jesus. But to me now, Kyle is our jesus, of this time. Jesus of the past is lost in another time and age that makes any meaning foggy and we scream SO WHAT!?!?
Isn't that what we need right now, in a society that is gone away? I mean we are beside ourselves sometimes, what are we going to do? Everything is so crazy! There's nowhere to go for me, is how I felt, and it plagued me with depression. Kyle was in Boston. I resolved to spend all my remaining money to go out and see him. Not for him, make no mistake, I wanted LIFE, I wanted fun, I wanted to feel okay......................................
Something stopped me, in any case, I'm much more cautious than a Kyle Priebe lad. That is why I seeked him out. I was lost, and so was he maybe. I am learning now through life, now that i really as questions and investigate through communication with other people..................... you learn that often when you are thinking of someone, they too are thinking of you. I was overcome with depression and inaction though, staying stuck, and i thought, i think, how lonely i would feel in the presence of people partying and feeling like life was okay, because they had a place to live, people to have fun with... a life.. a purpose, of some sort, and i'll just be a drag, that dead thing in the corner like oh why is she here? i was an empty shell so i stayed.................. in hell for awhile. a grey muddy hole that i just couldnt get out of. i had drugs................ i was prescribed this and that................................... i didnt take them. i searched more.
i spent far longer than i ever wanted to, ever, to be in that awful place. i learned about what life isn't, what is empty, and how you feel when you let things go that you love. You dont let people go when they are living, and when you lose a cat to the wilderness, Don't stop putting up signs because you'll regret it later and mourn and feel guilty.
So, I'd be in a coma in one way or another if i had heard the news the other day.......... maybe maybe not. i know much of pain though, and to anyone who might be feeling it please realize that all music....................... well. i discovered all music pointed to LOVE, love is the answer, because there were enough minute examples of such, and eventually, through books and observing and trying and all these things, i found it, because i also created it,
Let's not forget to love.
To Kyle Priebe, God of Fun and Ridiculousness
i dont know if that is cohesive enough as i feel it, but i could go on forever and ever. i am reminded of coming to on the couch with Kyle Minch, after tripping intensely we watched Dark Side of Oz, that is we put it together, and i tell ya it never worked again after that, i tried and tried with Lisa Lord as my witness, ANYWAY- on the couch, the movie ended, that we watched after the Pink Floyd Oz awesomeness that just stunned me. Kyle Priebe called us from his cell phone, saying they were on their way back from Taco Bell, and we were so CONFUSED for a second like WHAT! Why are you driving be careful! and then Kyle Priebe comes walking in........ with some Ridiculousness. just kidding we were upstairs the whole time, essentially. oh god. the stories that mean nothing except to those who are telling it..................
So If I am to go with the Jesus Template and say, he died for our sins,
i think our world is in serious disrepair. This soul was great,
and please hear me out,
for if you feel like OH PLEASE! REALLY NOW WITH THAT SHIT
no really, its true.
I'm sorry, I'm aquarius, I have a way zoomed out view,
I've been an outsider and I can see a lot that
maybe you cannot
because you have enjoyed yourself
for so long
I am an observer
and I tell you this
i have not been tainted with specifics or battered with doctrine,
none of that. i have only noticed that Jesus is a very prevelent word we throw around to make light of our situation, and the english language here is genius i might say, as Light means the light as in the Sun as in truth and acceptance and meaning and love, all that rolled into one, the very sun that gives life to everything that chirps and grows, i have reverence for it, the sun, even George Carlin worshipped the sun.
The sun is LIGHT
and LOVE
and if we can feel appreciation for the sun, maybe because we have been in the dark for so long, and maybe that is why now in this time so many are perishing from our West Bloomfield home, I URGE YOU IF YOU ARE SUFFERING TO SEEK OUT WARMTH IF YOU KNOW NOTHING TO TURN TO start there, and also, when you hug someone, try to shine- like the sun- from your HEART.
I hope you all find love and light, like i did.
Words are empty if you know not their continents. Contents.
I am taking this Kyle Priebe death as a rebirth for my own passion for life, which, i often lost along the way, and i must write, i must must must write, to keep going, because i know what non life is. i think............ LOVE BEFORE DRUGS. if you must medicate then by all means do so but first play with life a little bit, try to get what you need, from more natural sources. Because although everything in the world is technically natural, the more natural your remedies, the closer to the sun you are. ;]
That is to say, marijuana, i think he stopped smoking marijuana and went into that other shit man, and that'll keep ya stuck. REVERE the marijuana, love it, use it, DONT ABUSE IT, it is to ASSIST IN LIFE and in healing and in getting Unstuck so we can live. One or two hits will do, it is plenty!!!!
Let's create magic in our hearts and spirits, sing and dance again, a little more, a little more HUGS than drinks and drugs, thats all i want. we need to rely on each other, its the only way. give and take. who you give to may not always be the one who returns, the universe is in charge of that.
Kyle
Perhaps your creativity is dispersed now to those who wanted a piece of you. I certainly did, and I mean that non-sexually, although I admit I was drawn to you, 2 nights in particular, and I always felt safe with you, you shone like the sun. I felt amazing when we would interact, it's like your love was so strong, your presence, your warmth, that it filled up the space, the whole space, of wherever we were, all of us, as a group, indiscernible as separate, because we would have such a good time. Such fools to think it could get any better, that there was anything after this. I hope it does, and believe it will- I had to, hang on to that, belief, that things could be better if i tried i could forge my way there. And you Kyle, you went another way and I'm so sorry, I'm SO sorry, for the part I played, because obviously it wasn't a good enough one. I thought maybe we all felt the same in our company, the group, people, or person to person as one on one, the feeling you get, when you're with someone- you automatically, if you're feeling at one with life you know, automatically kinda take it as ambiance that you're both feeling the same way? But maybe you needed sunshine too, when you couldn't quite glow to the level you knew was superb- you reach for the sun, but you reached too soon........... i understand.
{crying} Damn. Pink Floyd. back again.
{crying} Damn. Pink Floyd. back again.
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